Back-To-School...Senior Year?

Today was my second day as a Saint Joseph High School senior.
I can't believe I'm this old.
What the heck.

I got out of the hospital (as expected) on Monday. Since it was Labor Day, none of the outpatient testing staff was here, so I did bedside pfts. A little less accurate, but helpful nevertheless. I was so happy to find out that my numbers had improved to 75%! After such a successful test, my doctor had no reservations in sending me home. Monday night, however, was a different story.

Basically, I had an anxiety attack. The first day back to school always gets me. Not the first day after summer vacation, but things like coming back from winter break or after getting out of the hospital. I think it's like that for a lot of CFers. We've just spent days and days (if not weeks and weeks) in a clean, quiet, calm environment. It's relaxing. It's safe. People are paid around the clock to take care of you and help you feel comfortable. Coming home from that atmosphere, where you're almost always alone and at ease, to a busy home where you're no longer the center of attention is, quite frankly, stressful. And I don't mean for this to sound self-centered...and if it does, that's not what I intend. It's just a big change. Polar opposites. And boy can I say that I freaked out.

I feel so bad for my boyfriend and my parents. I was going stark-raving mad. Crying and crying about how I wasn't ready to go to school. About how I hadn't completed my homework assignments (which was completely my fault, and really didn't have much to do with the hospital admission) and I had no friends in any of my classes and I had had the most horrible summer of my life. And, looking back, I know how petty and selfish I was being. I had a good summer. There were good moments. But losing your two best friends within two months of each other...it takes its toll on you. My brain is a scary place, right now.

Physically, I feel good. My lungs feel GREAT. My muscles, however, don't. I was too exhausted to use them in the three weeks leading up to my hospital stay, and naturally, I rested for seven straight days when I was there. I'm hoping to get in the gym once I get my PICC line out and get some of my strength back, especially with dance coming up again. It started this week, actually...

That's it, basically. I'm feeling stressed about school and college apps, guilty for my seemingly bi-polar moods and the way I'm taking it out on my loved ones, and just plain tired. But I'm also trying to keep that positivity going. I was only in the hospital for one week. I made it out in time for my last first day. My mom and dad have been so amazingly kind and understanding.

I've just gotta keep dealing with this grief, and try to be happy, again.

Midsummer Update

It's been a while. A lot has happened in the (almost) first two months of summer.
Nationals...were the best our dance academy has ever had. We honestly just kicked BUTT. First places all over the place. My tap solo was against 16 other girls, and I got second. It was amazing. :) Standing up at awards to receive that trophy was the happiest I've felt in a long, long time. Probably since before Alex passed away, which was three months ago, yesterday. It was my last nationals I've ever had, and my goal was just to get a ribbon--8th place or above. I've gotten 9th at nationals like three times, haha. Basically, I had an amazing, amazing time.
After nationals, I fell pretty sick. Everyone in my troupe had a cold or an infection or the flu virus at somepoint--that part was sucky. People were throwing up and I was just terrified that I would catch a horrible infection in my lungs. And the day after I got home, I was sneezing all over and over, which a sign for me that something is really wrong. I never sneeze. I made it to my quarterly visit, which was two days ago on monday, and my lung functions turned out to be 79%! Almost 80...awesome awesome awesome! I usually stay around 65%, so I was really happy, but still wondering why I've been feeling crappy. Dr. Marks said (Dr. Homnick left...I'm so sad) that it's probably a sinus infection that was starting to travel to my lungs. He sent me on my way, and I've been feeling better since I've started bactrumm, which was like a week ago. I even went on a run today(:
Oh...and after I got home from clinic, Justin and I had a Harry Potter marathon. 8 movies, 21 hours, one day straight. It was actually a lot harder than it seems, haha. We both kept falling asleep, but I'm glad that I can make Harry Potter jokes around him without him being confused, now(:
That's about it. I have a lot coming onto my plate, now...college apps, band camp, choreographing dances for troupe next year, reading all my AP Literature Summer reading books. So, yeah. Looks my lazy days on the beach are going to be more scarce from here on out.

Bittersweet

Today's the first day of summer. It feels strange to think of all that has happened in the last year...my first date with my boyfriend was a year ago today. I was looking forward to kicking butt as a junior. Alex and Ilene were both sick and in the hospital. As it turns out, only one out of those three things lasted. Justin and I are still together--he's my best friend--but my grades turned to crap and my cysters are gone.

Just like at Alex's celebration, Justin and I sang Winter Song at Ilene's funeral on Monday. It was a really short service and her family kept thanking me for singing. It's just so strange. I feel so happy sometimes and so sad others--it's like I'm not in control of my own emotions. And it's taking a toll on my friends and family. Well, not really friends...basically, it's just Justin and my parents. I've pushed everyone away in the last two months.

I'm trying to throw everything I have into dance. Dance is my one uninhibited place--I used to think writing was like that, too, but I'm coming to realize that I'm not as good at writing as I thought. I mean, I don't try on here...I just type and don't look back. But when I actually put my entire being into a piece, like a narrative or a poem, it just doesn't come out like I hope. I wanted to be the best, but I'm not.

Anyway, dance. I leave for nationals in less than a week...that seems so close. This is my last year on the competition team. Next year I'll do a solo and choreograph a couple pieces, but that's it. Bittersweet.