Bittersweet

Today's the first day of summer. It feels strange to think of all that has happened in the last year...my first date with my boyfriend was a year ago today. I was looking forward to kicking butt as a junior. Alex and Ilene were both sick and in the hospital. As it turns out, only one out of those three things lasted. Justin and I are still together--he's my best friend--but my grades turned to crap and my cysters are gone.

Just like at Alex's celebration, Justin and I sang Winter Song at Ilene's funeral on Monday. It was a really short service and her family kept thanking me for singing. It's just so strange. I feel so happy sometimes and so sad others--it's like I'm not in control of my own emotions. And it's taking a toll on my friends and family. Well, not really friends...basically, it's just Justin and my parents. I've pushed everyone away in the last two months.

I'm trying to throw everything I have into dance. Dance is my one uninhibited place--I used to think writing was like that, too, but I'm coming to realize that I'm not as good at writing as I thought. I mean, I don't try on here...I just type and don't look back. But when I actually put my entire being into a piece, like a narrative or a poem, it just doesn't come out like I hope. I wanted to be the best, but I'm not.

Anyway, dance. I leave for nationals in less than a week...that seems so close. This is my last year on the competition team. Next year I'll do a solo and choreograph a couple pieces, but that's it. Bittersweet.

It Happened.

I got a text on tuesday that said, "Hey its ilenes sister I was told to ask if you want to come see Ilene and say goodbye?" Because of how well she was doing on her birthday, I thought saying "goodbye" meant she was healthy enough to be moved to UofM. I was wrong. I rushed to Bronson and went into her room by myself. It was completely full of people. Everybody was cying. Her sister, Sarah, let me take her spot for a few minutes to hold Ilene's hand and talk to her. I told her that she was strong. I told her I loved her and she did her job here on earth. I told her to have fun with Alex and tell her I said "hello." Then I backed against the wall to leave room for other people. The pictures I gave her on her birthday were propped up on the table at the foot of her bed. She was all white and cold; there were no tubes connected to her. It's because her dad signed a DNR on monday. She took a quick, shaky, shallow breath every five seconds and I could hear the mucus when she did. It was completely silent except for people sniffing their noses. I got there just in time: after 10 minutes of being in the room, she stopped breathing. I watched Ilene die. I'm the only Musketeer left.

I'm Scared

I...am bad at blogging. It's been like 20 days. haha.

School is over, kind of. I have a few outstanding assignments left, but I've been working hard to finish up during this past first week of summer. Hopefully everything will be done by tomorrow, when I go in to take a few chemistry tests. Oh my goodness, exams were terrible. Absolutely awful. It's hard to know that I'm capable of so much more. That CF is holding me back in that sense, because of missing so much school. I've been trying not to get down on myself about that, reminding myself that it's not my fault, but I just feel so stupid. "When you try your best, but you don't succeed," as my favorite band would say. Gosh, I love Coldplay. Listening to their music really helps me feel better.

There have also been a few setbacks, recently. The biggest one is Ilene. A few days ago she went into the hospital, only to be directly admitted to the ICU. Her oxygen was so low that she had to go on bipap. She has so much pain and such high fevers, and the scariest thing is that this exactly what happened with Alex. She went into the hospital, was put on bipap, and she never came out. I'm so freaking scared. Luckily, Ilene has been able to take the bipap on and off from time to time and use a regular oxygen mask instead. My mom, Justin and I were even able to visit her yesterday for her 16th birthday. You heard me...she's at the lowest health point in her life on her 16th birthday. Her room doesn't have a shower...her bathroom is just a toilet in the corner with a curtain for a door. If her oxygen gets too low, the monitor beeps and beeps until the nurse comes in to yell at her to put the oxygen mask back on (that happened like every 5 minutes.) I just hate seeing her in so much pain. She had one cough attack that sounded absolutely terrible--I almost started crying. But I'm glad we were able to see her and bring her some goodies and candy. Justin picked her flowers from the gardens around his house, and I gave her three framed pictures. Two are just the two of us, and then one is Ilene, Alex, and me. I love that picture. It was taken less than a month before Alex passed. It's so scary to look at that picture and realize that everything has changed. That things are just going to continue to change. I'm so scared of being the only one left from that picture. I'm scared of none of us being left.

Me and the birthday girl! She's such a fighter.

Alex, Ilene, Hannah. Cysters forever.

2013 Walk Pictures



Walking, walking, walking



Deb after the Koman Walk



Best friend

 

Natalie and her friend Maggie















Donation cards in memory of Alex





Little sis