Sheets

The sun went down,
but I'm still here.
   There's still a tube inside me.
      My dinner tray is in the sink.
         The whiteboard says my name.
The thermostat reads "55"--
that's something
I can choose.
But
my best friend died
right down the hall
wrapped up in sheets
like mine.
I want to leave,
but I cannot.
The moon
can't take my place.

Summer Admission

Well, guess where I am.

Yup, Bronson Methodist Hospital. I got here Monday after my clinic appointment. My numbers had gone up to 57%, which isn't THAT much lower than my baseline, but Dr. Marks said that after a week of such potent antibiotics, they should've been higher. I also lost two additional pounds after focusing all week on eating a lot of high calorie foods. My dad had dropped me off at the clinic and went to take care of something for a friend, and he said he would definitely make it back in time. He didn't, actually. I had to stall like 20 minutes, and he wasn't happy to find out I was being admitted...but one I explained to him that my choices are either to do it now before school or just get admitted in a month and stay here for double the time, he seemed to relax into a more positive mindset.

So my dad drove me to the hospital, walked me up to my room, and then had to head back for work. Luckily I'm 18 now, and can sign my own papers and check myself in. I got a chest x-ray because Dr. Marks suspected pneumonia, but the results turned out to be pretty much the same as my last chest x-ray. Which was very good news to hear(: I then got an IV, and that hurt, like it always does. I don't have a phobia of needles or anything...that'd be silly, at this point in my life. But I have bad veins in my hands and wrists that like to roll and hide from nurses, and of course, no one ever believes me. It took a while, but after exclaiming "I hate your veins!" she finally got it.

Yesterday I got my PICC line, and I was so happy to get that IV out. PICC lines are so much more comfortable. I recorded a few different video clips of the process, and I'm hoping to put them together into a video for my YouTube channel.

My blood sugar was also a bit off, so I had to get a glucose tolerance test today. I started my fast at midnight last night, and had to chug that disgusting drink at eight this morning. My blood was drawn at 10:20, so we'll find out tonight the results...this has happened two or three times before, so I'm not too nervous. But I guess it's still a bit scary, knowing that this test is for Cystic Fibrosis Related Diabetes, or CFRD, and 20% of people contract it because their pancreas is blocked by the mucus.

Also, my friends Anna and Brandi visited me bright and early today, right while I was chugging the drink! Haha. Yesterday was Anna's 18th birthday, and I was supposed to go to her birthday/going away party. :( She stopped by on the way to UofM, and Brandi's helping her move in her things right now...it's so sad. They've been my best friends at dance for as long as I can remember.

Whew! I know this has been long. A lot more happens at the hospital than it does at home, that's for sure. Dr. Marks asked me today if I thought it was time to get a port...that kind of took me by surprise. Lots to think about. He says I'll be staying here for at least a few more days, so I have no idea if that means two or ten. We'll just have to see.

No Inspirational Words, Tonight

So much happens in such a short amount of time, that I don't even know how to keep up with it.

Things have just been so...strange. My relationships with people have been changing nonstop. People who I've been really close to seem to be fading away, and I'm beginning to rely on those who I haven't, before. It's really scary, to be honest. Maybe I 'm just grieving...but I'm terrified that I'm going to end up alone. It's the "please don't leave me" mentality. I've gone back to counseling with Allison. She's amazingly kind and as understanding as she could be without really understanding everything about cystic fibrosis.

Anyway, I'm sick again. I went to clinic today, and had a really disappointing appointment. I've lost 9 pounds since my last check-up a month ago, which really doesn't make sense, considering the food I've been eating and the exercise I haven't been getting. I mean, I'm trying, but my lungs really can't handle it right now. I've been coughing more and coughing up a lot more, and I've been wheezy and short of breath. I really didn't think it was that bad until I saw what my numbers were...42.8%. Like, what? One month ago, they were 79%. And I know this is just a bump. I know things will get better. But right now, I'm really sad, I miss my friends, and I feel like crap. No inspirational words here, tonight.